Number 202 - March 2000

Little Known Computer Languages
from http://www.laugh-of-the-day.com (3 January 2000)
PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL -- These programming languages are well known and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the following catalog:     SIMPLE -- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.     SLOBOL -- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, COBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Three or four programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers try to return to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.     VALGOL1 -- From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y'NOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FERSURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program. 1[Alternate spelling VALGAL-ed] LIKE,Y'NOW (I MEAN) START      IF        A=LIKE BITCHEN AND        B=LIKE TUBULAR AND        C=LIKE GRODY**M4  [**M4="to the Max"-ed]        (FERSURE)**2     THEN        FER I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100        DO WAH + (DITTY**2)        BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)     SURE LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM REALLY LIKE TOTALLY(Y'NOW)	VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:    Gag me with a spoon!     LAIDBACK -- Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.     The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.     Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:    Sorry, Man, I can't deal with that!     SARTRE -- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose, they just are. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties.     FIFTH -- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.     The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LA FITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
Number 202 - March 2000